A Real Man

So, I was sitting at work one day in Dallas (sometime in 2002), dreaming about lunch. I'm a pretty big guy and this is a common occurrence.

I had five bucks and change in my pocket and I was thinking about how I was going to go to the Italian place two blocks away and get a stromboli. yuuummmm.

Carla and I had just talked the night before about not using the credit cards. You know, the whole radical idea of not spending money you don't actually have. Where do people get this crazy stuff?

So, I was going to be good. I was going to spend actual cash.

As I was sitting there, I felt God tell me that he wanted me to give my money away and fast for lunch. I had been thinking about fasting and had done it once or twice and it was pretty cool. Not something I wanted to do all the time, but a good thing to get one focused on the right stuff.

Ok, the whole fasting thing is cool and all, but this stromboli is GOOD. It was not going to kill me to miss a meal or six, but I really wanted that stromboli.

Here's what I did: I said, 'Ok, God. If someone asks me for some money when I go to lunch, I'll give them all my cash. But if they don't, I'm doing the stromboli thing."

I sat at my desk, counting the minutes until lunch. I planned to have a working lunch...

11:30:01 I was out the door. I didn't get twenty feet before a homeless-looking guy walks up to me and asks if I have any spare change. Boom. Just like that.

What was I supposed to do? If I give this guy my money, no stromboli. There was no way I could use a credit card to buy myself lunch...

Then, I had a brilliant idea. It was so brilliant, I was stunned by its clarity and magnificence. I would use a credit card to buy HIM lunch. That way, I would get my stromboli and eat it too. So to speak. I would gain points with God for being obedient, and there was no way that using a credit card to help someone could be wrong.

I said, "How about I just buy you lunch?"

He said, "Ok."

I asked him where he wanted to eat, but his attitude was "you're buying, I'm flying." I suggested Subway and he said fine. (Crucial part of the plan; Subway takes plastic, McDonald's doesn't.)

As we walked to Subway (which is, coincidentally, just past the stromboli place), I talked with him and asked him questions about his life. His name was Keith, and he seemed fairly with it. There did seem to be just a little something missing. Not mentally, more like he had accepted his station and had given up. This, from a five minute conversation...

Anyway, I told him that I was buying him lunch because God told me to and had given me the money to do it. I just didn't tell him which money... As we waited for his 12 inch meatball and mayo combo, we chatted about inconsequentials, I paid, wished him luck and headed to stromboli heaven.

I crossed the street and was immediately run over by a bus.

Just kidding.

Sitting on the sidewalk, right in front of me, was a guy asking for spare change.

Stromboli.

I told the guy, "I'm sorry, I just bought lunch for someone and now, all I have is enough money to buy myself lunch." I then promised to help him out another day.

I walked away, towards my blessed stromboli.

Inside the Italian place, I ordered my stromboli, paid, and sat down to wait for them to heat it up. As I was waiting, I thought, "I have change in my pocket. I can take it to the second guy who asked for money." I was so impressed with myself. I had been obedient to God, bought Keith lunch, got a stromboli, and was about to give my change to another homeless guy. It was the five loaves and two fishes all over again in Dallas, Texas.

I stepped out onto the sidewalk and started to walk towards the guy begging on the sidewalk. I looked up the street to where he was and stopped in my tracks. Sitting next to him, sharing his sandwich, was Keith. He had taken the sub I bought and split it with the guy. Even the chips and soda.

I made myself keep walking towards them, even though I was struggling not to cry. I handed the man my change and told Keith, "You're a better man than I am."

It sounded melodramatic, but there was nothing else I could say. Here I was, a fat, rich man, blessed by God with everything I needed. There was Keith, a skinny, homeless guy, blessed by God with a good heart.

I Samuel 15:22

More Life Changing Events

I was driving to Dallas every workday. Forty-five minutes each way. My tape player didn't work, I was sick of the liberal slant of NPR and I hate to listen to mindless music that someone else has chosen. I've never had the patience for talk radio, so that wasn't an option.

I decided to start to memorize scripture. Not being a 'system' guy (I try not to look at the manual), I bought the Navigator's Topical Memory System (TMS). I figured, if it's important, I should use the system. So I did, after a fashion.

I started to memorize two passages a week. One on Monday, one on Wednesday. On Thursday and Friday, I would go over all the verses I had memorized to that date.

It was cool! I started to see and think about verses differently. Verses I had heard my whole life started to take on new meaning to me when I would mediate on them. The best example I can think of is John 14:21. I was memorizing it and thinking about the part that says, '...and show myself to them.' So I prayed and asked Jesus to show himself to me that day. All I can tell you is that I saw more homeless people in Dallas that day than I did for the entire 3+ years I worked downtown. I'll write some other time about my favorite verses...Psalm 143:8, II Corinthians 12:9, Lamentations 3:22 - 23, Numbers 23:19.

All the while, I'm still praying that prayer - God, please make a change in my life.

The Web Group at DART was in Finance. We worked for the same AVP that was in charge of Budget, so much of the work we did was budget related.

I had known for months that DART was going to be doing some massive layoffs. I talked to the Boss and got him to promise that if I was going to get laid off, he would tell me asap so I could get a teaching job (I used to teach with his ex, so I knew he understood). He promised me that none of the web people would get laid off, but I still made him swear to tell me. I believed he meant it, but thought that events might get out of his control.

I knew that of the five people in the web group, I was the logical choice to get rid of. I had had some low evaluations and some conflicts with my manager. It was two years past, but I don't think that anyone had really forgotten. Also, they were all better programmers than I was. Given the choices available, I would have canned me.

So, on Friday, 8/9/03, Carla and I went to a marriage retreat with our Sunday school class. We actually had time in the car to talk. You know, communicate. It was so radical.

She said that she didn't understand why she was depressed. We had reached every goal we had ever set; cars paid for, house, two kids, I was making 55k with great insurance, and she was the piano player at our church. What more could you ask?

I agreed with her and said that I had been feeling restless and stressed lately - guys don't ever get depressed. Right?

Carla commented that maybe that was the reason - we had reached all of our goals. She added that maybe we needed to make new goals.

I believe that what I said next was a result of God changing the way I thought about things and the world in general. I said, 'Ok, but we're not going to make those kinds of goals anymore. We're only going to make goals that God can say we have finished.' We went to dinner at Outback and outlined about twenty goals that we thought God would want us to focus on; be a missionary family, know his will, follow his will, serve others, etc. After writing them all out, we realized that they were too complicated to share with our girls (five and seven). We boiled them down to; Serve God and Serve Others. Sound familiar?

We felt like we had reached a major milestone, marriage-wise. Four days later, I found out I was going to be laid off.

Raising Support

What am I doing? Am I crazy? Why in the world would I go up to people, many of whom I have not spent any reasonable time with (at least in a while - if ever), and ask them for money. What could possibly justify this?

Well, here's the answer, as I see it. I have a task/mission that I believe has been given to me by God; to go into the mission field. Specifically, for now anyway, to work for Adventures In Missions. In order to do this, I have to raise support - half of my salary, $2112 a month.

On the surface, it seems painful. Slightly beneath the surface, it is painful. A little beneath that, I stop and think, 'Would I want to be asked? If it was someone I knew?'

It might be best to say that, if it was me being asked by someone who I didn't know that well, I wouldn't mind at all being asked. I might be more inclined to say no, but I wouldn't mind.

Yes, I know that I am giving them an opportunity to share in the blessings... This just sounds so trite to me. It sounds like another Christian cliche - saved, It's a God-thing, I covet your prayers, I challenge you.

How about, "I'm doing this really cool thing that I think God wants me to do. Would you like to help?"

Does this take God out of it? Is it necessary for me to make them aware that they may be blessed by this also?

Two years ago, I didn't give a flip about missions. I had never (I think) contributed to anyone's support. I sort of wanted to support them, but never spent enough time thinking about it to get beyond the 'doesn't the Bible say something about tent-making?' phase.

Why has my perspective changed so radically? Because I was laid off? Because I now have a personal stake in it? Because God has done a tremendous work in my life? (Cliche!!!) Because I think it's cool?

The answer to all those questions is yes.

Because I was laid off, I had an opportunity to reevaluate my life and where it was heading. I've always thought missions were cool, just not something I could do right now.

Did God do a tremendous work in my life? Absolutely. He gave me the chance to be unencumbered by the workaday world and to look at what was really important - serving him. (Can you serve God in the workplace? Of course you can. Do you?)

You know what's really cool? I now have a chance to go on mission trips, serve people, represent God in foreign countries, and build web pages - all directly for the God of the Universe. And I'll get paid for it!!!

Does God want me to do this? I think so.

Do I know it beyond the shadow of a doubt? No. But we're going to find out. I will ask as many people as I can if they will support me. Will they get a blessing? It says so in the Bible - II Corinthians 9:6, 7. If God really does want me to do this, then the support will be there. Yes, I know that I can't just sit and wait for it to come in, but it's really been amazing how many people have offered to support me without my asking. Then again, the majority of them have supported me because I did ask...

Does this mean that people must support me? No. All I want to do is present them with this opportunity and let them make the call. Pray about it. Just like I can't save anyone (the Holy Spirit has to convict/talk to them), I can't compell anyone to pony up support. Nor do I want to. Why would I want a supporter that doesn't want to be a supporter? Ok ,that sounds silly.

So, what do you think?

The law

I have been learning/thinking about the Law. Much of this comes from my discussions with Josh P, with whom I am going through the Life Builders Curriculum. It also has some parts thrown in from BSF, Acts of the Apostles, and Hebrews.

First, for purpose of this monologue, let's make a distinction between two different kinds of law.

The Law is the ten commandments. These laws where given to the Israelites by God to make them (and us) aware of sin (Romans 7:7). This was, essentially, a standard of behavior that one could never measure up to.

The law, small case, is a standard of behavior imposed on us from all kinds of different sources; our parents, the church, school, friends, government, and ourselves.

Prior to Jesus's birth, death, burial, and resurrection, all men lived by the standards of the Law (Romans 1:18 - 3:31). If one did not meet the standards set forth in the law (sin), one (a Jew) had to offer a sacrifice to cover their sin before God. These sacrifices, by the way, did not clear one's conscience (Hebrews 9:9).

Having said that, all the following things tie together, at least in my mind:

I was reading in Hebrews (part of my BSF study) and reading the book, 'The Weeping Chamber,' and doing a Life Builders study all at the same time (you know what I mean...).

In Hebrews, I was reading about how the old sacrifice didn't cleanse the conscience of the person the sacrifice was being made for. In other words, one's sin would be covered, but one would still feel guilty. Be design. God meant it that way. Jesus's sacrifice, once for all, cleanses our conscience (Hebrews 10:22). Is that cool or what? That means that, if we feel guilty after accepting God's forgiveness for whatever we've done, it's because we want to feel bad. But we don't have to!!

In the 'Weeping Chamber,' Peter was taking a lamb to the temple for the Passover sacrifice and, for the first time in his life, made the connection between his sin and what he was about to do to this innocent lamb - kill it to cover his sin!

In my Life Builders thing (you know, the thing), we were talking about how we are dead to the law of sin and made alive to the new law of the Spirit (Romans 7:6). This is, of course, something I have heard many times before. Yes, I know I'm a new creation. Yes, I know I'm dead to sin. Yes, I know that I am free from the clutches of sin. Yada, yada, yada. (this actually started a few months ago when I was asked, 'What would it look like if you lived a life without condemnation (Romans 8:1)?' My answer to this was, 'I have no idea.')

For some reason, it all came together. I asked Josh 'So, when I was seven, I died, was buried, and then resurrected as a new creation?'

He said 'Yes.'

Then, I said 'So, prior to this, I lived according to the law (note the small case)? In other words, a pattern of behavior that was imposed on me by my parents, church, school, whatever?'

He said 'Right.'

Me again, 'When I died, was buried, and resurrected, I was a new creation (II Corinthians 5:17) but immediately started to live by the old law - don't lie, cheat, steal, chew or hang around with girls that do?'

He said, 'Right. How does that make you feel?'

I said, after some thought, that it made me feel deceived.

All this time, I have been a new creation, but have been living by the old law. Rather than letting the Spirit guide me and give strength to my mortal body (Romans 8:11). I have been focused on what I shouldn't do, instead of going to the cross and wanting only to please my God and Father.

This may be all old news to you, but it's radical to me.

There is more, but that's enough for now. What are your thoughts on all this?